Why I Won’t Be At Boosh This Weekend

by Alex Bernatzky

So it’s that time of the month again – THAT time for some of you as well, I guess – but what I’m talking about is the monthly Boosh hosted by Shortstraw at the Zoo Lake Bowls Club. This is the event’s 20th iteration and it probably has one of the most killer lineups to date with Kabaal Klankbaan, The Vagus Nerve, Al Bairre, Shortstraw (duh it’s their Gad damned event (that won’t happen again)) and The Plastics. I love these bands but still, this weekend, I’m not going to Boosh.

Now I’m a pretty big fan of all of these bands (except The Vagus Nerve, who I’d never heard of before now). They are probably the most fun local bands at the moment. In fact, I challenge you to watch any of the videos by either The Plastics or Shortstraw and not want to shake your probably skinny white ass all over your bedroom. Still, I will definitely be steering clear of the Kissing Boosh.

This might seem confusing after I practically verbally felated the bands involved above but my reasons can be summed up in a single word: Fangirls.

ShortStraw, The Plastics and Al Bairre pull in so many fangirls to their shows that they more often than not more closely resemble a high school dance than a chilled Sunday afternoon listening to some pretty decent music. The last Boosh made me feel old, and fuck I’m only 24. They came in by the busload. At one point I actually wondered if it was some kind of school tour. Of course the laws of horny teenagers (well, horny people in general) is that, where there are girls there will be boys looking for some action. I have nothing against this personally. Not until it affects my ability to get a beer.

The fact that Bowls ran out of not only alcohol but pretty much every form of liquid known to man paints a clear enough picture of how many people were at the bar.

I feel like I’m approaching the stage in my life where Sundays should not be spent crammed into a small, sweaty room surrounded by teenage girls. It may be that I am just boring, a loser, or whatever mud you may want to sling in my direction. I personally blame the fact I now have to pay tax, rent and generally pretend I’m a responsible member of society.

I know this is a pipedream but what if they moved the stage (I use this term loosely) for Boosh to the bowling green?

The old people be damned. I have never seen anyone actually playing bowls there. The closest thing to any sport I’ve seen on that green is me streaking across it one night after one of my matric finals. If they use this wasted space as a stage, the fangirls could still try crowd close enough to get impregnated by Band Sweat™ (now with 50% higher semen content) while I can hang back and sip a cool one on a nearby (but far enough away that the high school girls don’t come near me – I hear they’re flesh-eating) hillock, and we can all enjoy some really good music.

I probably still won’t be able to get a drink at the bar, but you can’t have everything your way.