The first in a series of Friday rants by Nick Christowitz, but we’ll let him introduce himself…
Ok, so here it goes. My first rant for this wonderful blog. Let’s hope it pisses at least half of you off. Let me start by introducing myself to those who don’t know me. I’m Nicholas Christowitz. I run a small graphic design studio. I’m a bit of a cunt. That’s about all you need to know. Because this is the first time I’m writing for Another-Day, I’ll be bitching about 5 things that grate my tits. Here we go!
1. Girls who wear that light pink lipstick
Ok, girls, so you’re all at Jennifer’s house getting ready for a night out – where you’ll no doubt screech “WOO!” every time you have a shooter – and you’re wondering how to tell every boy at the club that you’d suck dick for a toasted cheese, without having to actually verbalize it. Pink lipstick. That is the answer. So simple. Such an elegant solution to an age-old dilemma. And trust me… guys know it.
2. Guys who wear sunglasses indoors
The muscles in your face couldn’t achieve the level of smugness you required, so you decided you’d wear some sunnies… indoors. Well fuck you too, man. For those of you who don’t follow me on twitter, here’s a little snippet just for you – @nchristowitz: “If you wear sunglasses when indoors I assume your eyes look like anuses”. That pretty much sums it up. Only Jack Nicholson will be exempt from my hate.
3. People who put the well-being of animals before humans
Now don’t get me wrong, I love my cat as much as the next person, but if it spontaneously combusts tomorrow, I probably won’t recite a eulogy while turfing it’s ashy corpse under my trampoline. Just keep that little anecdote in the back of your mind as you progress through this drivel. I think all animals are the same. I value the life of a panda the same as that of a chicken. I don’t believe dolphins are smart. If they were, they would have fashioned spears out of coral and invaded Japan. If we farmed polar bears, I’d wear my polar bear coat while eating my polar bear prego. I believe in sustainability when it comes to animals. I also believe things should be done humanely, even though nature isn’t humane. So if they work out how many dolphins they can slaughter a year without damaging future populations, then by all means go ahead and kill that number of dolphins. I just can’t stand people who forward images of poor little pigs in cages over Facebook and email, then drive past Diepsloot and say “Ag shame” when they see a little kid sitting in a gutter in his own piss. Not all humans deserve your help… but fucking millions do. Just have a little perspective.
4. Grimes
I just fucking hate Grimes. Her music is ok… but Sweet Jesus that woman ruins me. I want to scratch my face off when an image or video of her pops up in my newsfeed. She’s the girl every Cape Town hipster bitch wishes she was. And i’m a goddamn hipster! I saw a clip of her performing live with a third eye stuck to her forehead. Seriously? Trash-bags as clothes weren’t enough? I hope her face implodes.
5. Liam Neeson in Taken
This one made my blood boil. Mostly because this piece of shit film received such favorable reviews from people whose opinions I actually value. The plot is one of the most bland and predictable I’ve ever had the displeasure of being exposed to. The acting was absolutely useless. The back and forth between Neeson’s character and the kidnappers was probably written by one of those specks of crap that cling to your toilet bowl. It’s just so goddamn useless… yet people loved it. It’s shit like this that destroys my faith in humanity. Ok, not every movie has to be an extravaganza of brilliant dialogue and epic twists. I put movies into two categories – brilliant movies and entertaining movies. Avatar was entertaining but shit. Avengers, Sherlock Holmes, and Superbad are fantastically entertaining movies. Then we have movies like Shutter Island, Kill Bill, The Royal Tenenbaums, Fantastic Mr. Fox, etc. that are just brilliant. The acting is perfect, the styling is perfect, the dialogue is perfect. Taken falls into neither of these categories. It falls into the limbo-like area between my nuts and my butt-hole. I’m sorry if this movie moved you in ways your tiny brain couldn’t articulate, but I absolutely hated it. It turned me into one of those poeses who shout obscenities and loudly sigh and scoff during a movie. The mere fact that I’m writing about it 3 years after making the mistake of watching it is testimony to how badly it has scarred me. My gravestone will read “Here lies Nicholas Christowitz, and he says don’t fucking watch Taken“.
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Ok. I’m done. Time to go simmer down. Love/hate you all.
xx